salt and pepper

It was an ordinary school day for me, cramming for exams, borrowing notes and anxiously trying to obtain copies of old exams (we get through each semester because of these!). Amidst all these mayhem in our tambayan I noticed you. By that time I already knew who you are, it just surprises me that you’re there. But then I realized that all the members hanging around are your friends, so I guess you’re there because of their invitation. I don’t actually recall if we’re formally introduced. All I can remember was that we started talking and exchanging notes and mobile numbers. And I guess everything started that day…

I find you eccentric even before we started hanging around. I thought there would be no harm if we became friends. It would be nice to be around someone who doesn’t actually look at me like I would break down any minute given the circumstances surrounding me that time. I’d say we know so little about each other that it felt comfortable to just be ourselves and laugh at silly things. It has been so refreshing to be around you that I didn’t realize I’m plunging into a trap I’ve unconsciously woven and the worst part of it all is, I let myself fall…

I remembered one sunny day you saw me walking towards my next class, entranced in my own thoughts that I hadn’t realized that you were suddenly standing under my umbrella. It was such a nice feeling to be walking beside you but it was short lived when you suddenly asked if I was going out with one of my good friends. I was so surprised that I might have sounded excessively defensive. I don’t want you to think I’m unavailable because I’m hoping for something more than just friends. But I guess I’m so out of luck because before the semester ends you saw me holding his arm. I wanted to explain that we were just both eager to see the results of our final exams that I have to hold his arm to keep him from leaving me behind but I don’t think you would’ve cared.

And so, our story remains unchanged. I, barely knowing you, you hardly knew me. We remain in touch though, occasional hi’s and hello’s. But we infrequently see each other, I think every 2 years on the average (after my leaving college). I’m sure you’ve had your share of relationships as I had mine. But I still think about you, always wondering, praying, wanting and waiting.

I know writing will just be another futile attempt to reach you and let you know these things. But nevertheless, I owe myself this, before I can let everything go I have to admit that I fell for you, fell so hard it took me years to recover. But I am recovering, moving on and letting go. I’m now giving myself a chance to love and be loved.

And as always, for you, I’m just another nice girl, a thoughtful and caring friend. Always was, and always will be…